I once knew a heart
by Aisa
Summary: Even Rosier is said to be killed while fighting Aurors. But what happens whan a man doesn't have the power to fight for ideals he doesn't share and a Death Eater has his reasons to face the Aurors for his own intentions?CharacterDeath, Twoshot
1. Out of Control

**Author's Note:**

All the characters of this story belong to J.K. Rowling, I just gave a little more life to the almost unknown characters of Evan Rosier, Wilkes, Avery and Rodolphus Lestrange :) The song is called "out of control" and belongs to the Rolling Stones.

Charakters: Evan Rosier, Severus Snape, Adrienne Wilkes, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange

_

* * *

_**Out of control**

_  
"__I was young  
I was foolish  
I was angry  
I was vain  
I was charming  
I was out there  
Tell me how have I changed_

_Now I'm out  
Oh out of control"_

_The Rolling Stones_

* * *

_London, 1981, January 2nd – Evan Rosier_

The silence in our flat is scary.

Severus and I are living here, but so much has changed ever since we moved in… These walls haven't heard laughter for such a long time.

Strange, it's me who says that. I've been blessed with a lot of humour and optimism, at least for Slytherin measurements.

I stare at the living room. I haven't done this for some time. These pictures everywhere. Pictures from our school days.

Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Hieronymus Avery. Adrienne Wilkes. And the both of us, of course, Severus and me. Often, and so often with a smile.

The mirror shows a different picture now. An empty pair of brown eyes stares back at me from a pale gaunt face. _That's not you, Even_, I think, not for the first time.

And I can't disagree.

I've always pictured myself in a different way. Light-hearted. So obviously happy that older housmates wondered if I really belonged to Slytherin – _because no one of the Snake's House has got a reason to laugh in this school runned by Gryffindors!_ -. Being a cushion at the many arguments between my friends. – _„Bella, get Avery down! __What's happened now?" __„He's a bloody jingoistic bastert, that's what happened."_ – or beeing the arguing person myself because I dared to spend my time with half bloods and blood traitors – _"Merlin, Even, Sirius of all persons! Couldn't you find someone else who shares your passion for… electric guitars?"_ - . Actually rather devoted to the liberal party than to the conservative racist ligue, the Dark Order my family pushed me into.

The Dark Mark has never been a part of my self-perception. The Dark Order was never to play a big role in my life. Why do you have parents that keep there noses out of everything and deal with the darkness only financially when your own uncle drags you to the Dark Lord with his own hands eventually?

Well, fine, that's not perfectly true. The first contact to the Dark Lord happened without the help of my uncle…

_We should have known that Lucius Malfoy wouldn't return to Hogwarts without a reason. When he showed up at the beginning of o__ur sixth year for an intership and cared to win the elite of our year for the work on a theatre play, we couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was planning. We didn't see that it was the best opportunity to find out who of the talented elite witches and wizards were possibly willing to join the Dark Order. And he found what he was looking for. So he brought us, Severus, Bellatrix, Adrienne, Avery and me, to the Forbidden Forest six months later, where we met the Dark Lord for the very first time…_

Of course, an affection for the Dark Arts lures young interested wizards into his circle of decay.

_We had done our best to learn the Dark Arts since our fourth year. Top secret, of course. It's not easy to lay eyes on the forbidden material with Albus Dumbledore watching over his sheeps. But with the Dark Lord as our master, we learned fast and efficient. He bred his own elite__... _

Thinking about this causes me to snort mockingly. His own elite, of course. Trained appropriate in a way so we can use the Dark Arts to his favours without using them against him. Wonderful. Severus and I, we are 21 years old, and we are masters of Legilimency, but we can't save our minds from _Him_ entering and abusing.

Ha. This bitterness doesn't belong to my self-perception either. Sarcasm, yes – you can't avoid it when you're spending so much time with Severus Snape - , but my sarcasm used to be peppered with flippancy. This exhausting resignation, this helpless bitterness caused by the war – this has never been a part of me. Not until now.

Strange enough. We seem to win this war, but when I look at the few unmasked faces during the Death Eater meetings, when I look at Severus or Rodolphus or Narcissa, then I see faces as pale, eyes as fearful and hounded as the faces and eyes of the ministry's fighters that I use to meet when I visit my friends – Bella and Sev – at work at St. Mungo's to bring them some coffee to cheer them up.

How the hell did I get here? How did I turn from a cheerful talented wizard and gifted musician at the _Magical Theatre Circle_ to this bitter exhausted warrior in a war that I never wanted to fight in? How did I end up fighting for ideals that are not mine?

„When did you eat the last time?"

"Sev! Merlins pants, when did you come in?"

My best friend puts his cloak on a chair. "It must have been between two of your many desperate sighs."

He's as pale as I am. Merlin, I don't want to know where he's coming from. Should he have been working at St. Mungo's until now, it's alright. Should he have been meeting Dumbledore again, then I really hope that the Dark Lord as got other things to do than checking my mind to find possible traitors.

„So… when?"

„What do you mean?"

„When did you eat the last time? And don't roll your eyes, you look like shit, to put it mildly."

"Stop playing the healer." Typically him. Didn't he and Evans – pardon, now she's Mrs. Potter – start working at St. Mungo's originally to study at the potion's laboratory? Now that the situation is officially called a state of emergency, they are medimagicians and worry about perfectly healthy people.

„Do you want to faint at Adrienne's?", Sev asks indignantly and helps himself to a cup of coffee. I bite back my comment that these loads of coffee – black! – he's drinking won't replace regular meals.

There's the other problem I pushed aside…

„Honestly, I don't even wanna go there…" I sit down next to him. Severus faces me with a sceptical expression.

„I'm sure you don't. But it's her birthday-"

"I know. But I'm seeing her every day, Salazar, I need her to give me a break."

Sev doesn't answer, he just stares into his cup. I sigh.

I know, he doesn't want to visit Adrienne either. Our friend has changed since she became a victim of auror Emilina Potter during the civil war in 1978. Since the healers couldn't help her. Since she's tied to a wheel chair. Severus avoids her since she attacked the Auror Headquarters and almost killed his mother. I would like to avoid her since she clings to me that hard. As if I could save her soul – ts, I don't even get along with myself. She ties me to her with her causeless jealousy – _are we a couple? __Definitely not. Do I have a girlfriend? __Definitely not. Could I afford to give my heart to someone without the risk of my loved one to be a possible aim for the Dark Lord? Well, he wouldn't care, I'm sure. The real danger would be Adrienne…_- and she knows I won't just leave. What kind of friend would tell his invalid friend that she makes him sick?

Sev sighs as well.

„You've got a rehearsal with one of your choire girls, don't you? Let's try to stay for an hour and just leave."

* * *

The sound of the drawing room door closing behind me sounded to final when I left Sev, Rodolphus and Avery at the staircase of the Wilkes' house.

How the hell did _this_ happen now? _And what am I doing here?_

I mean, it had been obvious that we wouldn't be able to leave after one hour. This time it wasn't even our fault. It was because even Bellatrix Lestrange can't handle someone calling her a bad friend and accusing her to have denied magical help after an auror's curse that got our friend Adrienne Wilkes into a wheel chair.

I really don't want to know which reproaches of Adrienne got Bellatrix to use Dark Magic. Severus is going to kill her for that, they vowed to each other that they would never use Dark Magic to heal Adrienne…

But now our friend is walking toward me – she's _walking_! I haven't seen her walking for three years… and I don't know if I should rather be happy or horrified.

"You… you really did this?"

„It worked", Bellatrix answeres.

„Yes, it did", Adrienne agrees with a beaming face and moves her legs with sparkling eyes.

"That's great!"

"I know… it's…"

„This changes everything." At least my voice decides to sound happy – Adrienne being able to walk means me being free. "I guess you won't need my presence here anymore, right? In that case I hope you don't mind me leaving you earlier tonight?"

„Leaving?" The sparkle in Adriennes eyes is sharper than before.

"Yeah, I told you that I have a meeting with a colleague of mine. I can't delay it again. You understand that, don't you?"

While I'm moving towards the door, I see Bellatrix vaguely shaking her head from the corner of my eye.

„Colleague?" Adrienne sounds alarmingly controlled. „Oh, I see…"

The coldness in her voice… She uses to sound like this before she uses Cruciatus… I've got to get out of here!

Bellatrix seems to think the same thing, before I can even reach for the doorknob, she pushes past me and opens the door.

"I know this colleague of yours. Well… we'll see…" Adrienne reaches for her wand. I stumble backwards towards Bellatrix who turned back to us.

"Adrienne, give it a rest", she cries with a hint of fear in her voice, but our friend ignores her.

"You don't really think that I'll watch you letting me down." She draws her wand and I can't help but to gasp of pure fear. If I know two women I don't want to face when they are angry, then those two in this very room. I'm quite unlucky in Adrienne's case. She's so obvious a Death Eater and scholar of the Dark Lord…  
_I've said right from the start that I don't want to join the Dark Order!_

"No, don't come any closer!"

"Adrienne!" Bellatrix moves quickly, the door closes once more.

"We'll see whom you're going to lose your heart to", Adrienne hisses and points her wand at me. "And if I have to… make sure personally… _Obsero_!"

„No!"

The last thing I notice ist he blue flash of light that hits me, and my numb racognizing the spell: _Dementor's curse…_

I fall into the blackness. Warm, soft darkness covers me and from far, far away I hear a hoarse female voice. Sounds like she's singing… on the other hand, almost everything is connected to music for me. Something keeps me from laughing about this. Strange. I'm sure I'd usually laugh about this…  
Voices, panicking voices… there are also men… I can't really put an order to these things… a muffled bang gets me to wake up. There's light, fire in the fireplace, very close to me, but I'm freezing…

Above me there are the worried faces of Rodolphus and Avery and Severus… I remember those three. What happened? Why am I lying here?

„How're you feeling?" Avery asks quietly.

"Dunno… somehow… empty…" Oh Merlin… Adrienne… walking… Guess I was even happy about it… but now… I return Rodolphus gaze. "I don't feel anything…"

* * *

_London, 1981, August 29th_

It's pure irony. The most reluctant Death Eater who is the most unwillingly to do his tasks suddenly is as cold as ice so he can fulfill the Dark Lord's orders without a bad conscience.

It's paraox. The healers in St. Mungo's said, „partial loss of soul and emotion". Well, a few emotions have returned. I don't feel nothing anymore, that's a good thing. And during the first minutes, the hatered was soothing. It was more than nothing.

But on the long run… I don't have a bad conscience, but I hate what I do.

And I hate Adrienne, even though she tied me to herself with her curse. According to Sev, my first words in the hospital were: _'Where's Adrienne? I want to torture her and break her neck!_'. I don't remember it myself, there are only fragments of a memory.

Severus introduced me to life again. I'm grateful about that. He even makes me laughs every now and then. But when I thought I had lost my humour before this… thing happened… compared to now I was a potion for happiness then.

Severus will leave soon. He will work as a teacher in Hogwarts (_this_ really was a reason to laugh!). Who know's if it was Dumbledore's or the Dark Lord's idea? It won't make life any easier. But what's easy in life?

I loathe myself for the things I do. I hate myself for kneeling at the Dark Lord's feet. For burning down houses on his orders. For torturing an innocent woman. For taking a man to his execution or for executing him personally just because he doesn't want to join us.

The world will be a better place without me. I thought this for a long time, and now I don't have a reason to stay.

I can't help anyone, I can't do something positive in this war. The only thing I can do is destruction.

So I'll act reasonable for once and start with myself.

Downstairs in my desk my last will is waiting to be found. I don't have much to give, but what I have is close to my heart. Well, close to the place where I once knew a heart was 9 months ago.

Letters, lyrics and poems fromm y creative time for Severus because I know that he likes lyrical stuff (even though he would rather choke than admitting this). Score and sheet music for Rodolphus because he's the only one who can read them and treasures them. Old pictures for Bellatrix, because she's a nostalgic person deep down in her heart. And my attempts of drawing for Avery because he treasures everything artistic containing ink and paper.

Do I have to say that I ignored Adrienne? I didn't even prepared a letter with poison for her. At the moment I don't have the strength for two murders.

The Dark Lo- _Voldemort_, Salazar, it's _Voldemort_, he has got every reason to think of me as a blemish in his elite. I don't even try to commit suicide in a magical way. Is there a better thing to break with the racists of the Dark Order? Could I end myself in a better way, ignoring poisons and wands and using a simple knife?

One last long look over the rooftops of London. The soft touch of the knife's blade. Soon it will be over.

A song is running through my mind. _„I was out in the city, I was out in the rain. I was feeling down hearted, I was drinking again…"_ Dying with the Rolling Stones. It's only rock n roll, but I've always loved it. Yeah, I guess I'm really a blemish for the Death Eaters.  
And damn, I'm proud of it.

I slowly place he blade on my wrists.

„_No I'm out, oh out of control_", I humm.

The first red warm drops are falling onto the stones of the rooftop while I'm saying goodbye to the world.

* * *

The first thought I have as I wake up, covered with warm white sheets and with the strange clean smell of hospital in my nose which I surprisingly recognize at once, and as I see Severus' desperate black eyes, ist hat I should chose a pistol for the next try…

**Tbc**.


	2. Absent in the End

**Author's Note:**

Oh my! I thought I had posted the second part ages ago, but obviously, I haven't… shame on me!

All the characters of this story belong to J.K. Rowling, I just gave a little more life to the almost unknown characters of Evan Rosier, Wilkes, Avery and Rodolphus Lestrange :) The song is called "My Fairweather Friend" and belongs to Miss Emilie Autumn.

Charakters: Evan Rosier, Severus Snape, Adrienne Wilkes, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange

* * *

**Absent in the end**

_„It's a sunny day in heaven  
And no one is around  
To open the gates  
And I'm waiting for you  
My fairweather friend  
Absent in the end _

_My fairweather friend."_

_Emilie Autumn  
_

* * *

_London, 13. September 1981 – Evan Rosier_

„Evan?"

Adrienne Wilkes' voice rings through the shades of the alley.

"Pssst!", I hiss angrily. This woman has ruined my life already, I won't let her ruin my death as well. Not another steeplechase on my way to the hereafter.

Pretty macabre, if you think about it. Severus would have laughed. Well – he would have laughed if he hadn't brought me back from the dead himself only three weeks back with all the healing power he had. After that… well I guess he wouldn't be amused.

Before that though, we always had our good old dry black gallows humour.

Well. Before that, we had reasons to joke. Before Adrienne – but no, that's how this whole mess started. _Better not to go there._

Severus isn't here now to give me a tongue-lashing about my physical and mental wellbeing. And he won't be here now to undo the deeds. Just as the blonde woman next to me won't get away this time.

"Alright, alright", Adrienne hisses back and feels her way until she stands right beside me. I can see her only dimly in the shades – her delusively small, fragile physique, her slightly wavy hair, her tense posture, her wand ready to attack.

Not for long now, sweetheart, I think grimly and listen.

It's really pathetic. I've spent the last five years running from Alastor Moody, hiding from him – and now I'm waiting for him.

Not that I have a plan. No, considering that this is my second suicide attempt, I'm appallingly clueless. The snippy _"Typically you!"_ that rings through my head sounds like Bellatrix. How strange.

I guess she wouldn't be all too pleased as well if she knew what I was doing here. She'd probably draw her wand personally to stop me.

But she isn't here.

„Do you hear that?", Adrienne whispers and her posture is even more alert.

Of course I hear it. I myself have sent the little note to the Longbottoms.

_Sorry, Alice, dear. You got to admit, though – you're an auror through and through. You'll enjoy finishing us off. _

"They're coming closer", Adrienne mutters.

„I know", I answer, with the first wide grin I have on my face since ages.

_When the hell have you become so cold?,_ Rodolphus' voice rings through my head. Damn, _I'd_ like to know _that_ as well.

But Rod isn't here to explain it to me.

"So here it is, Longbottom?", growls a male voice. Moody.

"Yes, Alastor", Alice' voice replies, sounding annoyed. My grin is growing wider. Paranoid as usual, good old Moody. Good for him.

"Keep your defilade", a second man says – Frank. "If Wilkes shows up here, she'll make it fast and gory."

Adrienne twitches. "Why on earth do they know we're here?"

"That you are here, mon coer", I say softly. _You and your pernicketiness_, a virtual Avery nags in my ear and doesn't tell if he means Adrienne or me.

She now turns around and faces me directly. Her eyes sparkle in the distand light of the street lamp.

"What the-"

"Psst!" I put my finger on her lips. _So soft…_ too soft for such a vicious person... and so warm... I haven't felt warm for the last nine months. I couldn't feel warm. _Thanks to you, mon coer_… but you'll be cold as well in no time.

The smile on my lips must have transformed; Adrienne's eyes grow wide. I pull her very close to me (and ignore the urge to lay my hands around her neck and choke her).

I reach for my wand.

"Whatever happens-" I slowly let her go and point my wand towards the approaching aurors.

"I want you to know…"

She inhales sharply. "What?"

"_Lumos!"_

Glistening light from my wand illuminates the alley and the auror unit, lead by Moody and the Longbottoms, rush into our direction.

Adrienne notices it from the corner of her eye, but her focus is still on me.

_You're such a bloody bastard sometimes_, a virtual Bellatrix scalds me in my head.

„Drop your wands or die", Moody shouts, and his voice rings back from the houses.

Adrienne shoots a clean stunning spell at him.

_So gentle today_, Severus would mock in his grim sarcastic way – no surprise, after this mental woman had almost killed his mother back then.

Now he isn't around to protect is godfather (Oh Lord – Moody being Sev's godfather is the biggest joke of our goddamn time!). Or Adrienne. Or me. Thank God.

„What, Evan?", Adrienne hisses impatiently before I cast a shield charm for us to keep away Moody's attack. She's mine.

"Frank!", Moody rumbles and Frank Longbottom tries to break the spell.

With wandless magic, I disarm Adrienne sho stares at me in shock.

"Evan-"

I smile at her cruelly. "Go to hell!"

The shielding charm vanishes, Adrienne screams aghast as I point my wand at her and the alley glows of green light.

_That was not very nice_, Rodolphus objects in my head as her body drops to the ground.

"Evan, just drop your wand", says Alice. She sounds shocked.

I can barely take my eyes off Adrienne's motionless body on the concrete – _finally! Yep, it can be a good thing to mix up hatred and the lack of bad conscience…_ - to look at the auror. She stands next to Moody, whose wand is in the air, ready to strike, but her raised hand stops him.

_Why doesn't she do anything? Good God, she has seen half of the Order of the Phoenix die in this was, me being her cla__ss mate can't possibly keep her from attacking me… Hell, she has just witnessed how I killed a disarmed woman!_

"Evan, if you just cooperate now you'll have a chance in the trial", says Frank.

Trial? Merlin, Crouch's regime barely knows trials for people like me – _why don't you just do you routine, like you did all those times before, and attack, for fuck's sake?_ Just because it was a death eater that died right before you just now? Do I really have to provoke you?

"Rosier, drop your wand", Moody snarls. His wand is aimed at me, but I know him – he doesn't attack if he isn't forced to do so.

I raise my wand and look straight into his eyes. _Come on, old man, do it or I'll have to do it._

"Come on, Rosier!"

_Merlin, this can't be happening_! They are never easy or merciful on death eaters, why now? The Longbottoms shouldn't be sent to deployments against old friends…

"On the count of three…"

That's enough!

"_Sectumsempra!"_

_Well done_, an imaginary Severus snarls in my head. _Adrienne curses my mother into hospitalization and you blow my godfather's nose out of his face. Bravo, Evan._

Sorry, Sev, but Moody will survive the loss of his nose. If it serves the purpose…

In slow motion I see Alice's and Frank's shocked faces as the blood splatters from Moody's face.

I've heard the voices of my friends in my head all night.

_In Slytherin you'll make your real friends_, the hat has sung back then. And he was right.

But they're absent in the end. And that's a good thing.

How could I have gone through with this when Severus, Bellatrix, Rodolphus or Avery would have tried to save me with their lives?

In the end it's true, I've said it for weeks: The world is better off without me… and without _her_. Two death eaters less to make this war last longer. Oh, and, of course, one psycho chick less that steals other people's souls. One last look on Adrienn, my now-as-well-absent friend.

Satisfied, I see the green lightning shooting towards me.

Finally…

* * *

_The one thing I can count on  
Is nothing __much at all  
The one thing that I'm sure about  
Is that you won't be anywhere around me when I fall  
I'd like to think I wouldn't die for you, but you know I would  
'Cause that's the fool I am  
And that's the rule you bend  
Absent in the end  
Love you only bend  
Wounds you'll never mend  
My fairweather friend._


End file.
